When We Drove All Night
by smellyia
Summary: He watched and was there whenever she needed him and she thought he was something while he knew she was everything. She was brilliant, wrong and perfect. AU-Human, OOC. Based on a boy. ExB
1. Late

**Based on someone I once knew and didn't get. My unfortunate mistake. **

**Is not mine, but this trifle is.**

Chapter 1 ~ Late

I watched her from afar. How could I not? I had been doing so since we were young.

She was everything little girls were made of. Sugar and spice, and everything nice. She was always so fresh and clean. Her face scrubbed with freesia soap leaving reddened cheeks and her hair washed with strawberry shampoo making me beg my mother to plant a patch of them outside my window so I would always have her close. She would hug me back then and I would just smell. Inhaling. She would laugh and it would tinkle in my ears. A laugh that had only grown into chiming, robust and delicate in it's different qualities. She would twirl while delighting me with that sound. Her abandonment always resulting in her falling and I would never be there quick enough to catch her. Then she'd chide me for being late. But with her, I always was.

We would go to the park and play on the swings back then. She was always going higher than me. She would find dead toads in the grass by the creek that defined the playground and the forest. She would ponder how they met their end. She would show me the cartwheels her gym teacher had just taught her in the grass. She never got the hang of those and they became fleeting fancies in her book.

I saw her awkward and brace faced. Her hair frizzed and she hated it, like she hated her mouth. Her clothes were unremarkable and ill-fitting. Changes she hadn't been through. Her curves hadn't quite made themselves known yet and no one was able to grasp what she would become. But then she would smile when I did something silly and boyish, or when I didn't get it, I never got it. She would smile and I didn't see braces, frizzy hair or a body that hadn't found itself. I would see her eyes and their brilliancy. All mud and stars. Dirt after rain, rich and dark. Chocolate didn't have shit on that.

We would go to the beach back then and I'd swim the ocean for her, even in it's frigidity. Because she wanted someone to entertain her, but she didn't want to be the one. She wanted to wear a pink bikini that her body didn't understand and hover at the edge, toes barely allowing the froth of the water to envelope them. She would always hold my towel for me. Knowing I would be ice and only that towel and her vigorous rubbing of it would warm my adolescent skin.

Then she bought hair relaxer. And she got her braces off, leaving her with only a night retainer. And that time came in a girl's life where her body woke up and decided to stretch itself out, try itself on for size. And her clothes understood. Her laugh became more infectious and frequent. Her smile was ready. Her hair laid just so. And everyone noticed. And she showed it to all of them. And I sat back to watch everyone fall in love with my girl. Because without her, I didn't have anything else.

One day after she found products, curiosity and confusion, she came to me. She asked me to grant her something. She wanted to feel the press of lips from her beloved friend first. No one else. I had no choice but to acquiesce. She had me like that. So I bent down and oh so feather light, I kissed her. Then I let myself put my arms around her, and she put hers around me. The kiss deepened, our tongues finding one another. But it became so adult, so alien and I backed away. Because I saw what she had become and she was always ahead of me since I was always late.

She was a thing to behold. All fire and loveliness. Like dawn or hell, depending on where you stood. Softness on her skin, but hardening underneath that only age and bullshit can give you. So perfect on the facade, so perfectly wrong underneath. Friends that never saw her. Boys who confused themselves as men around her. She loved of all of that, craved it. And I thanked her inside for becoming this. It let me go.

She had this new life and I was still there, but in the periphery. It was okay. I was okay. I got a new life too, but she stayed in my forefront, she just didn't know it. I went about my time, focusing, planning. Because I would leave her here one day and she would maybe notice, but I didn't want her to be the only one on the off chance that she didn't even recognize I had gone. So I found friends who saw me, but never girls who would become confused by me. She was the only one I could ever allow to be like that.

I watched her the day after that kiss between childhood companions. On the arm of another, sharing that intimate moment, but I saw it wasn't true. And it cut me. I was okay though, because I was thanking her for letting me be. I told myself this everyday those years and it became my lifeline to moving forward. Which I did. But I stayed vigilant in my watching.

I saw her become prom queen. I saw her entrance everyone she came into contact with. I saw her switch to Diet Cokes at lunch. I saw her clothes become alluring and trendy. I saw her face when a test she took came back failed. I saw her walk all over the people she claimed to adore. I saw her smoke, drink and drug with them. I saw her treat them with disdain and carelessness. I saw her get dumped because of it. I was in my room, waiting for her when those days happened. She would climb the tree and come through my window. My window that never shut, just in case I missed something and she needed me.

I was still that one to her. I was the one she came to when it all crashed. I was the one to make it all better. I was the one she let in and listened to. I was the one who got her put back together for everyone else to enjoy. I was the one who held her while the tears stained my favorite shirt. I was the one that didn't wash that shirt for a week afterwards. I was okay with being him, because no matter how many boys came to her door, they could never be that.

And then he came. The dog, the fool, the asshole. He made her sparkle less. He made her feel inadequate. He made it clear that she was nothing where he didn't exist and she bought it. He put that child I remembered so fondly into her burgeoning woman's body. So wrong. She came to me less frequently and then all the time. He hated it. He wanted me to fade, but she held on. And for that I thanked her again.

I was stuck, watching. I had never felt that way in all the years we had been together. I was never stuck. I could always act if I so chose, which I didn't generally. But she stopped listening and only needed me when she cried. And while thanking her for keeping her tenuous hold one me, I started to hate her.

I detested they way she looked at him. I loathed the things she wore to please him. I even resented the way she stopped the cigs, alcohol and pot for him. I was sickened by the adoration she fooled herself into feeling for him. I hated the addiction she had confused for love. I was in denial thinking that she would see this for the truth of it.

When her dad died, we were graduated. The dog was still present, but he didn't understand. He only saw the surface of her relationship to that man who loved her so dearly, as only a besotted dad could. Father and daughter, so quiet, so comfortable in their little house next door. They had a different sort of bond, not typical. Almost like roommates, but really more like friends. She came to me then. And cried. I hated her already. I pitied her, truly alone in her stupidity and my impending defection. I missed her beyond comprehension.

I told her I was leaving that night, only weeks after her father left her alone to ramble in that house with just a dog who didn't get her. She ranted and threw things at me. I reminded her that I hadn't been that one for a long time. Since he came. I saw the adult she had become for just a moment when her acceptance of my honesty was in her eyes. She left looking like the child I remembered.

So here I was. Right now. Remembering all of this. Depressed and manic over her, over us. Right before I was suppose to leave.

The friends I had made had already been by to wish me luck and to make sure we all had the necessities of today's wireless communication, text, IM and email. We would always be able to stay close, but would we? Dunno. But I was willing to move onward and figure that out later. I was willing to see if I would ever see her again.

All my belongings were packed in my car. Evening was coming and I should have waited until morning to leave, but I needed to get out. Now. Before my resolve to not talk to her again faded. In all of this, she never even asked where I was going and that in itself showed me everything.

I kissed my mother and father goodbye and took the care package they made for me. My car had a full tank of gas and my iPod had been charged. I was ready for the ride. I looked over to her house and saw it dark. Not even home to see me off. It's okay. I started the car and backed out of the driveway. With each gravelly roll of the tires, I felt this life fading and my new one peeking through. So I continued on, resisting the urge to pull over and knock on her door, just to make sure she was gone.

I was almost outside of town when I saw a lone figure on the road. An odd thing considering this was not the place one generally found random people walking the streets. I let my eyes focus and as they did, I swerved. Almost right into her. And it was her alright.

She was scared at first, but then she recognized me and my car. I had no words right then. She was bruised on her arms and her clothing torn. She had no shoes on and I could see the tears glistening. And hell if my girl didn't smile at me as I got out of the car. It was that brilliant smile, even in her sad little state, she found it.

I wasn't sure what happened, but I didn't care. I may have hated her. I knew I loved her. So nothing but taking her away from this exposition of shit and shame would do.

"Where you going?"

"I'm leaving, remember? Where you been?"

"I thought that was tomorrow."

"Changed my mind." And then it hit. And I knew. "Wanna come?"

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Well, fuck Cullen. You're not late for once."

"I've been ahead of you for awhile Bella."

And so she got in and we left. Neither of us knew what we were doing and neither of us cared. Her shit stayed and it didn't matter because I would get her more.

_**What do ya say we leave for California?**_

_**If we drive all night we can make it by the morning.**_

_**And no one has to know if we decide to go.**_

**California by Metro Station**


	2. Enough

**Not mine, but this trifle is.**

**twilighted beta vjgm**

Chapter 2 ~ Enough

I drove and she was next to me. Bella was in my car, next to me, heading out of town. And we weren't coming back. It wasn't a day trip to Port Angeles. It wasn't a weekend in Seattle. It was a final departure without a return option. It was my escape and I wondered if she was really wanting to be liberated. Or did she want the metal bars of Forks and Jacob to keep her cloistered? Did she love the fact that while being locked down, even with it's consequences, she would be protected in a world she knew? Did she want to be put under someone's thumb and be coddled? Did she want that abuse? Did she even see it as that? I wondered if she realized this. I'm sure she did. Bella may be ridiculous, but she knew. She knew there was a point in life that one decision will shape all future experiences and choices. Maybe this choice, this one to get in my car and shut the door at this time, was the one that would bring her to whatever she was searching for.

We hadn't talked since she got in, but I looked over at Bella frequently. She sat there with her elbow on the ledge of the open window, letting the cold wind blow over her. Her eyes were closed and the mink of her lashes curved upwards, making it impossible for someone not to die wishing that her lids would open and stare back. Her hair shined in the fading sun, glinting auburn tones. Sometimes I swear that light was the sole reason for this girl to have such hair. She had always kept her locks long and they whipped around her face, caressing the seat behind her. Her lips were upturned and soft. Every once in awhile, she would inhale deeply, like the wind wasn't giving her enough air to breathe in it's onslaught. I was looking at a fuzzy photo of some bygone beauty with her head rested on her fist, enjoying the sun, wind and ride. Completely careless and perfectly content. And then I remembered the marks on her flesh.

I saw the bruises on her inner arm clearly and memorized them. The reddened skin was taking on blue and purple tones. They would be there for awhile, finally yellowing and disappearing. Would she feel the ghost of those hands on her again? Would she even register this event on her fleeting radar? It was something I couldn't answer. Bella had a tendency to remember the most unimportant things and to forget the defining moments. Or so she acted.

"I know what you're doing Edward." She kept her eyes closed.

"I'm just glancing on occasion."

Bella's smile deepened and she opened her eyes to look straight at me. She removed her arm from the window ledge and let both her hands rest in her lap. "You never glance. You only stare. And when you stare, I know you're thinking something."

"Okay then mind reader. Tell me. What am I thinking?" I was curious.

"You're wondering if I know what I'm doing. The answer to that is yes. You're looking and thinking beautiful thoughts about me, cause that's what you've always done. You're also wondering about this." Bella extended her damaged arm towards me.

I was astounded. The bruises was obvious, but beautiful thoughts? I never thought she knew. I was deluding myself, thinking I'm so sly in my devotion. Actually, I was just transparent, and I was over denying it. "Okay, you caught me. So some answers now please."

"Where do you want me to start?"

"The bruises, Bella."

"It's not as bad as you think. I-"

I wasn't going to indulge her in a defense session. "Look. If this is going to be another 'Jacob's not as bad as you think' bullshit excuse, forget I asked and forget I cared."

She laughed at me then. Always so odd. "God Edward. I guess I deserve that. Just give me a chance to explain."

"Fine."

"I've been trying to get away for awhile now. Ever since that night you told me you were leaving. I tried to be subtle about it. I tried to be demanding and heinous. I tried to make him hate me, but nothing worked. He held on tighter than I ever did. And before I knew it, tomorrow was the day. I didn't want you to go without knowing I listened and had helped myself for once." I was quiet, wanting her to continue. "So I went to Jacob's place and told him we were done. I told him that I needed to be alone to figure shit out and that I didn't have the time to get into a big argument because I needed to get home to you. To see you before you were gone. He didn't like that very much. He called me things and yelled, but I didn't have the time, so I just tried to walk out. He grabbed me and shook me. I guess his grip was stronger than I realized." Bella was looking down at her arm, moving her skin around the marks. She winced whenever she touched a sore spot. She looked at the bruises almost amused.

"What about your clothes?"

She looked up at me almost laughing, again. What was with her and taking this so nonchalantly? "Oh, I guess my shirt must've ripped when I shoved him away. And damn I liked this one." She sighed looking annoyed more than anything. "I'm gonna sift through your stuff back here and find something, okay?" Jacob file closed. No ghost there. She would tuck this away as one of the defining moments that didn't matter. How many of those involving me were in that category?

"I guess so." I said as Bella rolled her eyes at me and turned around in the passenger's seat, leaning to the back. This drove me insane for a couple of reasons. First, it was unsafe. Second, her ass was in the air, in my face. And it looked nice.

She sat back down and without any pretension, she took off her torn shirt. Her skin was creamy pale alabaster and it made me blush. The bra she wore was simple, made of blue lace and cotton. You couldn't see anything beyond it, but I imagined. Before I knew it, she had on my favorite Weezer t-shirt and was flipping her hair out from under it's collar. The scent of strawberries made it's way to my nostrils.

"I need shoes." The matter of feet was definitely a good distraction right now.

"What happened to those? You got your purse, but left your walking tools. Seems smart. Put on your seat belt." I didn't think she knew my strained expression had nothing to do with buckling up.

"I left them at Jake's. When you gotta go, you gotta go. Yes big brother."

"I am NOT your brother." My thoughts of her were never remotely brotherly.

"No you're not, are you? So what are you?" Bella asked this quietly.

"Neighbor boy. Friend you call sometimes. Dude who's driving you south. Guy who's gonna stop to get you shoes." I tried to say this lightly, but really, I didn't have a good answer for her.

She put her hand on mine. It sat there on the stick shift, looking for all the world like it belonged. Heavenly. Bella shook her head and smiled at me again. She always smiled at me, like she couldn't help it. She opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the ring of her cell. She pulled it out of her bag, leaving my hand cold and alone, glanced at the caller ID and hit ignore. Jacob. It had to be. _Ting-Ting. _New voicemail.

"Should I check it?"

"Does it matter?" This was an answer I really needed to hear.

"No." She flipped her cell open, accessing her message and hit erase before it barely started. I was happier than when she first got into the car. "This isn't about him anymore. I'm not about him. Just me and you." I could take that a million ways, but I knew what she meant. She was escaping with me, but it was all her right now, as it always was. So I clung to what I wanted it to be. Me and Her.

She threw her cell back in her bag and pulled out a cigarette. She flamed it with my car lighter. The smell of smoke marred the fressia and strawberry scent that I had been enjoying. "I thought you quit."

"Not for me. And when have I ever stuck to something?"

"You stuck to me."

"You're different. I don't have a choice."

"You always do."

"No. I don't. Never with you. It's why I'm here. On a road trip. Thinking about all the shit I left behind. But it's just an empty house with things and I was never good about taking care of the things I owned." No you aren't Bella.

"What about Charlie's house? You can't just leave it like that."

"I put it on the market last week. My mom helped me and since I'll be eighteen next month, she didn't see any reason in forcing me to go live with her. I was planning on selling it and taking off. You know, after you left? Nothing left there. I wasn't going to stay somewhere I hated and be alone. I'd rather just be alone. Who knows? I might of followed you."

"You've been busy."

"You made me be that way." Her cigarette was almost done and she threw it out the window. It was perfect timing because I had seen a sign for an exit off the highway that looked promising in the shoe department.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I pulled into a nondescript hole in the wall general store with a gas station. Kill two birds with one stone.

"Seriously Edward. You think I'm gonna find shoes in there? We're in bum-fucking-Egypt." She looked horrified at the prospect.

"Surely they've got something. Besides, I need gas." But you know I'll bend if you want.

"Fine. I'll look." Good girl.

We walked into the store and I had just realized the sight we made. Here I was, car packed to the hilt with crap, and a girl who is wearing a too big shirt, no shoes, bruised arms and puffy eyes. I must've looked like an asshole.

There was a petite lady behind the checkout counter with black spiked hair and a mischievous look to her. She was flipping through a magazine, but stopped mid turn as we walked in. She stared then nodded to a guy I hadn't initially noticed sitting to her right. The guy looked intense, but relaxed. His dirty blonde hair, falling around his scarred face. He was sitting in a chair whittling at a piece of wood with a switch blade. I figured I'd better speak. Quickly.

"Hey...um...do you guys have shoes?" I asked timidly.

The pixie girl answered a little harshly. "Well that depends. What for?"

"Because, if you haven't noticed, I'm barefoot." Bella pointed her shoeless foot in the air to make the point. Thank God she spoke up and was funny because I'm thinking that we were steps away from an intervention these strangers were silently plotting. Save the girl, stab the asshole who made her all dejected looking.

The munchkin lady let her hard glare fade and laughed while coming out from around the counter. Switchblade stayed put, eyes following us. "I guess that's obvious. Now what could have brought you into such a state? Was there an accident? No. Your car seems okay. Did he rescue you? Ooooh, tell me he did." She leaned into Bella, not so quietly. "I'd totally let him rescue me. Lucky girl."

"Alice, that's enough. Just show her the shoes."

"Jasper you can be such a kill joy. It's obvious. These two lover younglings have found themselves in unfortunate circumstances that have brought them through our door. I would be remiss in my duties as savior to all if I just ignored them." The newly identified Jasper actually smiled, shook his head and went back to his carving, letting his eyes leave us finally.

"Alice, is it? I'm Bella. This is Edward. And we're not in such dire circumstances. I had to leave rather quickly and I forgot my shoes. That's it."

"I'm sure honey. Whatever you say. The shoes are back here." Alice gave me a little wink as she brought Bella to browse.

I went over to where Jasper was sitting and inquired about what he could do for my empty tank. "Is it possible to get some gas?"

Jasper put his piece of wood down and closed his knife before sticking it in his pocket. "Sure."

I followed him outside and opened up the lid to my gas tank. He put the nozzle in and started the pump. We stood there for a few moments letting the sound of fluid being poured be the only thing to make noise.

"So that girl, Bella. She looks like she's had a helluva day. Anyone could feel the pain rolling off her." Jasper said this while staring elsewhere.

Pain? What pain? Bella was fine. He didn't understand her. "Yeah. I guess. She kinda joined me last minute."

"You two know each other? You seem like it."

"Since we were young. How'd you guess?"

"It's in the way you guys move around each other. Complimentary, like it doesn't work without the other. I see people like you two come through all the time. We get all sorts out here. Some couples you can tell are comfortable and content. You two are not that."

Couple? "We're not together like that. Just friends."

"Nope. You're wrong, but that's okay. You're young, what eighteen?" I nodded my head yes. "And you haven't figured out what it takes to make you guys whole yet. It'll come around." What the hell was this guy talking about? "Where you two headed?"

"South. California. I'm going to school there."

"What's she going to do there?" I was getting a little uncomfortable at the personal nature of his inquiry.

"I don't know. Muddle through. Start new. Figure stuff out."

"And you'll wait while she does." I was taken aback by his statement.

"Like I always have." Where'd that come from? An automatic response.

"You good with that?" I didn't even know this guy and here he was, asking questions I didn't have answers to. "Looks like you're all filled up. No more room to add. That'll be forty bucks."

I handed over the money, without responding, and was relieved to see Alice walking out of the store with Bella wearing a new pair of flip flops.

"Now I want you to remember what I said. Don't wait too long. You're only seventeen once and no matter how much you wish to be older and in the know, you never really are." Alice imparted to Bella while walking her to me with an arm around her shoulder.

"Thanks Alice. It was nice to meet you." Bella looked like she wasn't buying any of Alice's "wisdom".

We got back into the car and started off. I was curious as to what that little woman could have possibly said to Bella and I was still disturbed by the conversation I had with Jasper.

"Edward, you look like you've been hit by a bus. What happened? Did that guy Jasper scare you?"

"Nah, he was just weird. Talking about couples and comfort."

Bella gave me a look of confusion. "Yeah Alice was talking a little crazy too."

"What'd she say?"

"She was just rambling on about being young and that it doesn't last forever. That I was too sweet to be in the state I'm in. Nonsense." Bella snorted. "And what does she know? So I had a hard day and it's apparent. No fucking big. Doesn't give her the right to tell me anything. Like she knew me. And insinuating that I take you for granted-" She stopped talking and rolled down her window.

I didn't have anything for her. No comfort. Because Alice was right. Bella took me for granted. Always had. And Jasper was right. I was all filled up with it. We weren't comfortable, we haven't been in...ever. We were kids who clung to each other because we needed something that the other had. We couldn't get away with that as an excuse forever. We either had to find the why of us or walk away. Bella didn't see this. She thought we could go on, the same as always. But I was done with that. I was leaving because of that. She refused to let it come to that.

The happiness of her being next to me was fading quickly and the anger of her shit was growing.

_You were young, and so am I_

_This is wrong, but who am I to judge?_

_I feel like heaven when we touch_

_I guess, for me this is enough_

_We're one mistake from being together_

_Let's not ask why it's not right_

_You won't be seventeen forever_

_And we can get away with this tonight_

**Seventeen Forever by Metro Station**


	3. Because I Can and Should

**Thanks to my stand-in reader on this chapter...the assistance was hugely appreciated and respected...**

**Is not mine, but this trifle is.**

Chapter 3 ~ Because I Can and Should

"Next stop, I need more smokes." Bella stated. I turned the radio up. She turned it back down. "And I'm getting hungry."

"Whatever you need." I said this matter-of-factly. Because it was just that. A fact of my pathetic ass. The acidity of my response failed to translate vocally and Bella sat back, content that I would once again do her bidding.

We were about a hundred miles past Portland on the I-5 and over six hours into our drive. I had turned on my headlights about fifty miles back, and I was thanking the dark for shadowing my car. I couldn't see her clearly anymore. I couldn't make out the contours of her face, the half smile she wore after lighting her cig or any of the other things on this damn passenger's face.

I tried to cease my staring, the action had been easier than I thought. Disgust with self was a pretty assistant to aversion. And I was wallowing in it. I went from being ecstatic by her presence in my vehicle to being livid at myself for stopping. I was never going to get her out of me now. Bella would follow me wherever I was. In my head. In front of me. Suffocating.

I didn't know how to step away. I didn't know what to do. How could I even convey this to Bella without her twisting it into another story about a sad abandoned girl? How could I say anything to her without regretting it later? I really couldn't. I knew I loved her too much. I knew I hated her less than that.

"I think I'll stop soon."

"Good. I need a minute out of the car. Kind of stuffy in here."

"Roll down the window, you don't seem to have a problem doing that when you're smoking."

"The air is not the problem." Bella said this with the acidity I couldn't find.

"What, pray-tell, is then?"

"Your Man Period." She didn't even say it with a laugh.

"My what?"

"Man Period. The Mood. You know what I'm talking about." No smirk. Nothing funny. Just annoyance.

"I'm going to ignore that." I knew what she was saying.

"You really shouldn't."

"Why? Because you are inconvenienced by my behavior?" She couldn't even let me have this. To myself.

"Because we both are."

"And isn't that just such a tragedy?"

"It is. Get off here."

I pulled off the exit, just as Bella told me to, and pulled into a grease spoon diner. It looked tired and dilapidated, but there was a gas station next door where Bella could go get what she needed. On the other side of the diner was a small bar. I could here the music coming from it.

"I'm going to nip this shit in the bud right now Edward." Bella got out of the car while rifling through her purse. I followed, coming to a halt in front of her as she leaned on the trunk of my car. She pulled out a small white looking stick out of her purse. "I knew I had one left."

"How is _that_ suppose to help?"

"It always does. Look at it like easing the pain. Works for glaucoma patients. Why not Man Period?" Bella shrugged at me and lit up the white stick. Joint actually. It smelled pretty, not like cigarettes. The smoke was alluring and acrid. I could taste the leaf on my tongue without putting it to my mouth. Bitter.

It had been awhile since I had indulged, and as I watched Bella's cheeks puff in and out in their attempt to get the burn going, I wanted to. I wanted to let go, ease the pain as she put it. I wanted that numb happiness. I wanted that singular hunger. I wanted eyes to be streaked with red. Fuck, I just wanted to relax and tuck my thoughts of Bella into the unused portions of my brain.

"Give here."

"That's a good boy. Wait." She held the object of my attention just out of my reach. "Have you smoked before?" She never knows me.

"Uh, yeah. You may have not noticed, but I did have a life that didn't include you." Bella snorted, unbelieving, at me while she passed it my way.

I took a pull and then another. I coughed, choked really. It had been longer than awhile. But the burn felt good, felt focused. Focused on me. As my choking subsided, I toked once more before handing it back.

"God Edward. Leave some for after we eat. I like continuity in my high. Plus, not like this is shwag either. Be respectful of the kind bud."

"Respectful? Please. You're just a bogart."

"You speak truths I cannot deny." I smiled at this. Bella was becoming funny to me again. It had been awhile since I considered her that.

Bella put out the joint, storing it carefully like a family heirloom. "Come on. Greasy fries await me."

I followed her into the diner, hoping that we could find a table that didn't have a sheen of stick on it. No such luck. I kept my arms in my lap and perused the equally filmed menu. My eyes were having difficulty handling the print. Didn't matter. I'd just double up on Bella's order. She was obviously more practiced at stoner normalcy than my rusty interpretation.

A tarty waitress came by wearing one of those little outfits that seem to be the standard for these types of establishments. Her name tag read Lauren. She was pretty in that 'I'm from the middle of nowhere kind of way'. Like the girl who was a star at home, but would just assimilate and fade into a big city where beauty was on another level. Her eyes were sharp, though. Maybe she already visited that city and came back. Maybe now she's just the failure. Burned by her lack of fame when she tried to get away. Returned home to this bunked town. Hating the notoriety she'd gained. Failure. Bella could be her.

"What can I get for you two?" Lauren's smile was laced with innuendo. I felt like indulging again. With Bella before me.

"Hello Lauren. I am assuming that's what you're called and if the name tag decrees it so, who am I to argue?" Tarty girl's smile took on new layers of silk.

"You aren't' anyone to argue, but if you had a name..." Lauren trailed off, bending over so I could get a shot of her cleavage and a whiff of her sickening perfume she no doubt bought at the gas station next door.

"Edward." I said deeply. Darkly. With meaning.

"Well, Edward, what would you like?"

"Many things, but for now just a coke and an order of whatever she's having." I nodded towards Bella, indicating Lauren to take her order. It was a dismissal of them both. It was rude, but it felt nice.

"And you?" Lauren's tone was ice.

"Coke. Curly fries. Blue Cheese Burger." Icier.

Lauren walked away with a little more twitch in her hip. I was pretty sure it was meant to be sexy. It looked like a form of seizure. Bella, however, was still. Staring at me. Red as fire. Looking at me like I just let all the air out of her personal hell. Screwing with her flame. I sucked in, deep breathe. I hoped I put her completely out.

"Nice choice on the food Bella. I think it's just fine." I was smug.

"Do you? Cause I think it's mediocre and cheap." Bella sneered.

"The food? It's a diner. What'd you expect?"

"Oh, I don't know. Some class, some decency, lack of nose hair singing perfume. Cleanliness."

I get it, even through the haze. "The waitress. You're jealous." I was laughing at her, unable to retreat and hide stoned.

"The hell I am. But I was appalled by you. You of all people. I thought you had taste. Has nothing to do with jealousy." She was throughly flustered. Her hair swishing on her shoulders as she emphatically moved her head trying to shake the point into her brain. Trying to believe it. I didn't. So she could nod and argue all she liked.

"Well if you aren't jealous, you wouldn't mind if I had a moment with her. I think we would get on rather well." I just went there. I was taking it this far.

Bella looked like she was going to rip my throat out. She grabbed her bag, stood up and came next to my seat. "You do whatever you'd like. I'll even play your sister to help you close." That hurt. She knew I had a complex about the brother title. It was almost enough to reign me in.

"Look-"

"Shut up. I'll be back. Try not to ditch me in the middle of nowhere for that whore." Why did she have to say it?

"Careful _sis. _You never know. Where are you going?"

"Bathroom."

"Try not to snort it up all in one sitting." It was a low hit, but she deserved it.

"Fuck you Edward." Yes, fuck me. I am the jerk here. As usual.

"What, you thought I didn't know? That I didn't know there's an itty bitty vial with an equally teeny tiny scoop in it. That you like to bump it to your nose, rub it on your gums. I've always known. And you are a shit liar. Like weed is all you've learned. You were always more suited to cocaine anyways. I'm cool with it, it's your cartilage." I, on the other hand was an excellent liar. "Just make sure you save the pot for me."

Bella stretched her fingers, widening her palm. I could almost feel her skin stretch out in a lovingly painful way, like it was my own. It was an unconscious desire. It was automatic. She wanted to so bad. But my girl never did slap me. She wanted to, felt it. I saw and it made me happy. My girl so mad at me because it was not about her.

Bella stalked off to the bathroom, leaving me there smiling. I had won this tiny battle. Lost the war years ago, but just this second I was reveling in my fleeting triumph. It was probably amplified by my numbness. Of course I would feel so acutely now, when I was altered mentally. Of course I would be able to say and do what I could and should of done many times before. And so what if it took years of my pent up anger and a little weed to make it happen. It did. And that was worth having her with me. This chance to redeem myself in my own vision.

But I knew I loved her still. And this triumph would be failure as soon as the buzz was gone.

_Come on, don't feel this way_

_You're only gonna solve this for one day_

_You wanna get high then complain_

_Girl, I only think of you always and forever, and forever_

_Remember when you just came out_

_When everyone knew what you were all about_

_You faked your death and that was fun_

_But girl, I think it's just begun_

_You take another line_

_And you feel fine this time_

_And it goes like this, girl_

_Girl, tell me what to do_

_Girl, I am so in love, whoa_

_I'm so in love with you, you, you_

**Tell Me What To Do by Metro Station**


	4. Keys, Choices and a Kiss

**Not mine, but this trifle is.**

Chapter 4 Keys, Choices and a Kiss

I sat there, frustrated, head in my hands. Smile gone. Elbows on the nasty ass table. Bella had been gone ten minutes. Locked in the bathroom. Snorting, crying or raging. I hadn't a clue. The things that could go through the mind of a stoned out idiot in ten minutes is ridiculous. What if's and paranoia. Triumph over.

The cokes came and the waitress saw my change in demeanor. She should've known. I had nothing for her. Any guy with Bella next to him, had nothing for anyone else.

I thought about what I could choose to do when she came back. I didn't have to be cut apart anymore. I could continue on with this bravado and push her, make it easier for her to walk. I could let her destroy herself, leaving me only mildly scathed. Lie. Irrevocably damaged more like. I wasn't even sure I loved her enough anymore. I could do this. I could let her go. Damaged I would end up, but I would have myself for the first time.

For the first time. I could go on a date with a girl I had no history with. I could make a decision that didn't weigh the repercussions it would have on Bella. I could be guiltless. I could close my window at night. The urge to walk away had never been stronger. Had never felt as real. And I wasn't even wondering what she would do. How my dear Bella would fare.

I knew how she was doing now. Blind to her own demise. Not realizing her own selfishness was going to tear her up. I knew it, she didn't. And she wanted more. Always more. I didn't know where she'd end, but being there for her wasn't working. She didn't see. The craving ruled her. That craving she had for life, for taste, for more. She was dying her metaphorical death right in front of me and here I was, figuring ways to let her.

My keys weighed heavy in my pocket. The metallic jingle they produced as I reached down to finger them validated me. They were perfect for relieving the itch in my hands to do something. I could take them out of my pocket and head back to the car. I could turn the engine on and back out of the parking lot. I could get on that I-5 with nothing but my shit and an empty passenger seat. My hand squeezed around the keys, leaving indentations. I moved my legs out of the booth, like moving a mack truck. I pulled a twenty out of my pocket and held it in my fist. I felt the wet prick my eyes. I stood up, conflicted but decisive. Bella could manage. She would be just fine.

"Excuse me, son. Did you want me to tell that young lady you're with to meet you outside? Don't want her getting lost now."

I looked over to the interloping customers in the booth behind us. He was older, early forties maybe. Blonde with kind eyes. Understanding eyes. This guy saw more than the contours that defined my appearance, more than the clothes I was wearing. The woman next to him stared through me. If I thought the man's sight was deep, I was stunned by her gaze. So much so, that I barely registered her brown velvet hair, wide eyes and angelic appearance. Something about her commanded attention and reverence. Respect for the things she could give. Comfort and knowledge. It made me stop.

"Um, I'm not going anywhere." Shame flooded my face. He knew what I was about to do.

"I didn't mean to interrupt. I just thought my wife, Esme, and I could be of use. We overheard." I hung my head and sat back down. "I'm Carlisle by the way."

"Edward." I let the name fall from me, sickened to put a definition on my person at this moment.

"Where are you going Edward?" The wife, Esme, asked. I could answer that question in many different ways. Going away. Going to college. Escaping. Ditching. I don't know.

"School."

"I remember when I left home. It was one of the moments, as I pulled out of the driveway. It was defining. I left and all of a sudden things were new and great. But after time, I had to look back and see that those little bits of self that I loved were fading. So entered my twenties and there I was. Grasping for what I left behind. Reconciling what I had become. Learning." Was this lady insane?

"Um, okay."

"I'm telling you this because I see and I heard you two. You are in one of those moments right now. The choices you make right now will define you. Repercussions will not be denied. I just thought that you should know." I sat there, letting the back of my head face them. Letting Esme's words wash through me. If I walked out right now. How long would it take me to forget what I had done? Never. How long would it take me to at least come to terms with what I wanted to do? Never. So in actuality, my defining moment wasn't one at all. It was cement to the life I had led with Bella. Cement to keep me poised on her periphery. Cement to keep her at my forefront.

"I think you may be mistaken. This is just par for the course with Bella and I. She needs and I provide. So really. Nothing defining here."

"Edward, I know this is inexcusable prying, but what about when you need. You need right now. Everything about you screams it. The way you push her. The way you lashed out at her. The way you hang your head afterwards. The way you tried to escape." Carlisle wasn't being astute I realized. I was an open book tonight and easily readable. You could place me in the children's section. Bella had too much of an ADD quality in her reading. Never focused enough to truly see the layers of the story. To see the fine line my character walked.

I was about to open my mouth when the waitress, Lauren, brought our burgers out. She laid them on the table with a huff. Sorry, I don't have room for the guilt of using you to piss off my girl. Like a buzzer had indicated it, Bella came back to the table.

"My timing is impeccable." Her eyes were red rimmed, but her pupils remained undilated. She was voraciously hungry and attacked her fries with a vengeance. She didn't indulge. She didn't do it. She cried. I hurt her.

I didn't return to the couple behind me, I just ate. And watched Bella. She ate and smiled like nothing had happened. The little smiles she threw my way. I knew what each one meant. No worries it said. I'm cool it said. We're fine it said. Moved on already it said. She chewed on her burger with little moans against the contentment it provided her hunger. I felt nauseated, leaving most of my food untouched. She had her purge of emotions in a diner bathroom. The release of tears. I let a stranger stop me, but there was no purge. And the anger was fading again, leaving a weariness in me that was consuming. If I could just lie down and pretend.

I sensed Carlisle and Esme getting up to leave behind me. "It was nice to meet you Edward." Esme put her hand against my cheek. The warmth of her hand flooded me with courage and understanding.

"Likewise. I, um, enjoyed our talk."

"Glad to be of use." Carlisle, the omnipresent fixer. "And you, young lady seem lovely. A lovely compliment to this devoted boy."

Bella's face was all confusion. "Thanks, I guess." The couple walked out and I felt something akin to resolve in my stomach. "Damn, Edward. You attract the oddest types."

"Truer words have never been spoken Bella."

We finished dinner silently and I placed the twenty I had gripped earlier on the table, her smile growing radiant at my silence and her full belly. She was back to being Bella. I was back to being Edward. In her mind.

Pretending was trying my nerves. And that resolve pressed.

"Bella, wait." She stopped her extraction from the booth. "We need to talk."

"Are you talking about earlier? Don't worry we're cool. Everything's good. I'm fine." She looked flippant. Like no big deal.

"I'm not." Bella's smile faltered, but remained.

"Why not?"

"Because that was ugly. Of you, of me. Especially of me. I don't want to be like that with you." I don't want you to be like that with me. But you are.

"I don't see why we need to dwell on it. Move on man."

"That's the thing. I can't. And it's not just this."

"What else could possibly be the issue?" Bella looked exasperated at me. I looked impassive, or did my best to.

I wanted to shake her. Force her to look from my side. Make her see the leash I was on. "Nothing. Let's just drop it."

Bella's smile widened. She got out of the booth and came over to my side, much like before. Except this time she leaned down and placed a kiss on my lips. Smoke, pot and strawberries. My dick swelled, as it always does when she's near. It was the first time our lips touch since that first time. I didn't reach for her. I barely returned the pressure. But I licked my own to taste when she went to my ear. "Levity my love. What we need is levity. You can find it with that waitress. I plan on finding it next door."

It was all a front. Her smile. Her nonchalance. Her being over it. She had just effectively marked me in front of a waitress she perceived as a threat to her. She didn't even think about the way I would want to grab her and take her as she bent over. Territory and revenge. She doled one out and promised the other with one little action and a handful of words. And I would let her do it again, so bad was the need I felt.

Bella straightened and walked out of the diner. I sat for a second, gathering. Begging myself to find calm. Didn't happen. I stalked out after her and found her leaning against the wall between the diner and the bar I had seen earlier smoking her after meal cigarette.

"I see you decided on levity of a different nature."

"What the fuck was that?"

"What? What's a peck between friends Edward?" She was laughing at me. She was laughing at her edge. "No waitress then? Poor thing."

"You're sick. You know that right? You can't just kiss me and then..."

"Then what Edward? Let you get it on with some nondescript ho-bunk girl. I think not."

The rage was back. "And who the hell are you to determine that?!" Nevermind that I had no interest.

"I'm Bella and you're Edward. Now come on. We need a libation." She stubbed out her cigarette and I had nothing to say. She was always ahead of me even when I tried to fool myself otherwise. And what I wouldn't do to go back these last few minutes. The way I would pull her onto my lap. The way I'd assault her mouth. Cause it wasn't a waitress in my head, it was her. She had to know it. But she had to keep punishing me, for those words. For what I was contemplating. She knew I wanted to leave her. Knew it in herself somewhere. These were the lengths she was willing to go to keep me tied. And I let her.

She would let herself be dead inside before letting me go.

_I wonder if you're going down _

_Where we all know you get lost_

_And then get found_

_And then I wonder so_

_I can't believe that's what you said_

_I wonder in my sleep_

_I can't believe that's what you heard_

_Can you not defeat_

_I can't take this_

_No, I don't like it_

_I don't know where you are_

_You know she's dancing at the Disco_

_Whoa oh, she's dying on the dance floor_

_I know you're sleeping all alone_

_You feel suicide_

_I know you're dying to get out_

_But it's in you deep inside_

_Do you feel it in your veins_

_The poison rushing through?_

_But can't you see it in your heart_

_I'm still there for you_

**Disco by Metro Station**


	5. What We Take

**While this fic is based off of Metro Station's CD, I have another artist who speaks so clearly on where my two characters have been and are going. Matthew Mayfield. If you haven't heard, so sorry. **

**Thank you -le jen- for showing me the light on this God of a man! And for dealing with me while I muddled for the right song. I le sigh for you.**

**Is not mine, but this trifle is.**

Chapter 5 What We Take

I followed Bella into the bar I noticed when we first parked. It was dingy and hazy, but I was game. Normally, alcohol did had no appeal for me. I didn't like the spins or the taste or even the abandon. But for some reason, tonight, this night, it made sense. Like I required it to make it through.

Bella sauntered up to the chipped bar, all sashaying like. It wasn't a twitch like the waitress. It wasn't contrived like all the other girls I saw. It wasn't even purposeful. Natural. Part of her sexuality as I watched her grow. It was the main reason I loved to let her lead. So subtle, so inviting. What was my fucking problem tonight? It was the kiss. She started the barrage and I was feeding it. With my eyes, with my thoughts.

Forget our conversations. I would just watch. Bella.

The bartender was harsh looking. A haus of a man. Thick and brute. Curls surrounding a hard etched face. And then Bella smiled at him, that one she used on me. Bartender defeated. His face softened and he relaxed. His lips twitched. Because how could he not want to give this little creature exactly what she wanted? Sucker. Two Blue Moons for the underaged, no I.D. required.

I took my seat next to Bella and didn't bother to scan the room. It didn't matter who or what. I was too preoccupied by what was before me.

"Edward. Your beer. Drink it."

"Oh, alright. Blue Moon, huh?" Nostalgic. I took a sip, letting it all come back.

"Don't you remember? Out at the clearing. It was the first time I ever got drunk. Your's too, if I remember correctly."

I remembered. The summer before sophomore year. Months after our kiss. Her crowd liked to imbibe. She was scared of doing it for the first time in front of them. So of course, she called me. Bella and I went to this clearing we had found a few years previous in the woods on one of our random explorations. We hadn't been there together for awhile. I wondered if she brought someone else there with her. A boy maybe. I never did.

Bella had brought a twelve pack of Blue Moon with her. I brought the blankets. It was an unusually clear night, so the stars made an appearance. We twisted tops off and began our first respective drunks together. But it wasn't the drinking or the initiation into rebellion that made me remember. It was how she clung to me. So sick and silly. She talked about insane things. Random things. How she loved me so. How she tried to get a bikini wax and never again. How she was obsessed with no boys, but wished she could be. How she wanted her Dad to find someone nice. How she wanted me to never find anyone. Because that would mean she would have to go.

I listened and learned. Drunk as I was, I remembered all the things she said that night. I remembered the way she felt when she had my arm in a death grip while dry heaving. I remembered how her back felt as I rubbed it. I remembered squishing ourselves under the blankets in the cold after I let her rinse her mouth out with water. I remembered getting up only after she passed out under my watchful eye to let the purge come. Best drunk ever.

"You don't remember." Bella said it sadly, like she didn't think I would.

I looked at this girl sitting next to me. Something hit with those three little words. She hurt over me. My not remembering. Her assumption. Maybe it's really mine. That I assumed she forgot the things that mattered about us. "I remember everything Bella. Don't you know that?"

"Um, no. I guess I don't." She stared at her beer bottle, twisting it. "You don't talk much about the back when, so you know. I figure certain things are just kind of forgotten."

"Know that." I turned in my bar stool to face her. Reaching for her hand. Hoping that this was the moment. It wasn't.

Bella withdrew from me. Not so much her arms or her legs or her torso. Her face shut down. Her hands were drawn in. Beer abandoned. Me abandoned. Closed. I returned to my previous position, but I wasn't giving up. Not now. Not yet.

"You can't keep doing this Bella." One hand around my beer, I raked the other one down my face. The bartender was looking at us intently. Listening. I didn't care.

"I'm not doing anything." She stiffened.

"You are. You shut down. Every time. There's going to come a time where I won't try."

"Is that day today?" Bella looked at me. Tears wanted to come to her. Tears being stamped down.

"I don't know Bella. Maybe. But I don't want it to be."

"What is it you want from me? You know I'm not very good at reading you." You never have been.

I want you to be my girl. That girl with the smile and the strawberries. That girl who makes me whole when she's broken. The one who makes me make sense because without her I just don't. I want you to grab my face, stare at me, see me. Say to me fiercely that under no circumstances can I leave you. That without me you can't do this. Can't do the things life demands. That there is no one else that can be me to you. I don't want this half dream I have you in now. I don't want to be just the phone call. I don't want to be just the turn to. I want to be the guy you walk in to. The guy you lay it all out for. I want you.

But these things aren't real. They aren't the fact of our matter. We could each go on, without the other. We would both make it through. Maybe a little battle scarred. Maybe a bit dulled by the loss. But we would make it through. Each alone in ourselves, with ourselves. These were the truths. What I wanted? Shit.

"Bella. From you, there is nothing I want more than to just be. And whatever you give, I guess it's what I get. However long that'll be enough. I don't know."

"That's not an answer. But why would you give me a straight one? You never have before. You sit there with your thoughts and you look at me like I betray you when I just don't know what to do." Bella leaned into me. "I'm not a fucking mind reader. I can't see what it is you need me to do. I may shut down, but you aren't the only one here who is almost done. I got a lot of issues. I am a wealth of baggage, but don't for one second sit there and think I don't remember our life. Don't think I can't see how you feel about us. But when it's time to man up, to take control. The shut down isn't on this end."

Bella leaned back. Downed the rest of her beer. Gave me the look while I kept my mouth wired tight. She gave me a second. An opening to let it all out. I wanted to. The bartender was still. Watching me. The rustle of other patrons became echoes. The sweat from my now warm beer had dried. I heard the music in the background. Someone played a song. Matthew Mayfield. As Long As You're Not Leaving. And Bella got up to dance. Sick of waiting on me.

I let her go. I let her dance. By herself. To the words that meant so much to strangers.

_Talk is cheap but baby not to me. The words you speak can bring me to my knees._

I had to turn around in my chair. I had to watch her lose herself. Forget what she said.

_I meant to tell you the truth. It's not the curses that I lack or the burden on my back. And still I am asking for you._

_Please don't leave me I am begging you. My hands are shaking and my heart's in two._

Neither of us have left. Neither of us walked. I have been wrong. Split between what I don't know and what I should've known. I was lost and couldn't see.

_I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. As long as you're not leaving. Leaving me here._

How could I reconcile what I felt to what she needed and what I could stand? Bella would always be her. Insane, wild, selfish and sucking. I would pick up her pieces if I could stay. She would pick up mine without me even knowing it. I just never let her. I sat back and judged. Watched and waited. No action. How do I make myself move now. After all these years.

"You should have said what you thought my man." I turned to see the bartender leaning over the counter, resting on his arms. "You blew it."

"You don't know what you're talking about." I took another swig of my beer.

"I do kid. You let her go again. Makes me wonder how many times you got here and let her walk while blaming her all the while." Bartender smirked at me.

"I don't blame Bella."

"Ahhh. Bella. Beautiful. Fitting. What you go by kid?"

I didn't like how he called my girl beautiful. "Edward." I hissed out through clenched teeth.

"Emmett. You can drop the pissy. I'm not jonesin' for your girl. See that gorgeous blonde with the legs over there? That's all I got the time for." I looked over to where Emmett was pointing. She was unbelievably gorgeous. So much so that her waitressing in a dingy bar seemed sacrilege. "And you do blame her. You're blind to what you do. To the position you put yourself in."

I looked back at Emmett. "Since you seem to know so much, what position would that be?"

Measuring me with his gaze, Emmett must have decided I was worthy of his insight. "You let her come at you with whatever she's got. You let your Bella walk in and take. As you always will because you love her like that. But you never really give. You're as much as a taker as she is. You take what she's got and never let her into you. So how can she know you? She can't see past what you do for her because you never really offer yourself to her. So until you take control and give her your feelings, your fears, this is what you got. One sided on both ends. So the next time you blame her, look at home first."

"It wouldn't matter if I did. She would still do the things she does. She would still treat me as she does everyone else. I'm just another one of those in her basket."

"No, you're not. She doesn't want anyone else to be there for her like you are. It's why she's here now all bruised and broken. It's why she can't make herself stop coming to you. You're blind and stubborn if you can't see that. So you can get to wherever you're going. You can choose to leave her, but that would be your fuckup. Not hers. Give her a chance. It won't be easy by any means, but at least you can try." Emmett never looked at me while he said this. His eyes were on the blonde. Speaking from a place that he had been with this girl. He didn't need the words to let his heart out.

If he could find the way, maybe I could too. I refused to let go without trying. Bella was losing faith in me that I would. Her actions never mirrored her words or what Emmett said, but maybe I was looking at her all wrong. Maybe I was as much a taker as she was. I was sure I was.

_Another minute lived._

_If you take me, I'll take what you will give._

_I was late and she kept waiting._

_But I hope she knows where I've been._

_Not one more sound._

_Let your hair down._

_Take the low road._

_No one will know._

_**Control by Metro Station**_


	6. Three Minute Interval

**Because I couldn't leave you without and update to this before my vacation...here ya go. See you guys in a couple weeks.**

**Only four more chapters until this is done...you may have to keep on my ass to write them because I may be tempted to draw it out. That's how attached I am to this.**

**Not mine, but this trifle is.**

Chapter 6 Three Minute Interval

In all this time. I was just as messed up as she was. Emmett, sensing my quiet, gave me a fresh beer without a word. I almost asked for something other than Blue Moon. But that would just be running and avoiding again, wouldn't it? And I was tired of being the master of that. I was tired of myself more than I was tired of Bella.

I ought to of said something. I ought to of made a point, the point. It might of gone well. The look Bella had said it might of. But even that reassurance wasn't enough to make me move. So I stayed put. For this minute.

The gorgeous legs came up to the bar and leaned over, giving Emmett a shot at her cleavage. Like he wasn't going to stop what he was doing.

"Woman, if you keep that up, some fool in her is going to ogle. And I'm going to get irate. And then he will get bloody. Eyes forward Edward. You don't want to be that guy." My head whip lashed straight, eyes following a millisecond later. Emmett was beyond large and his stare, enough to let me know I didn't want any of that. If that was Bella and I, I'm pretty sure I would have been the girl in that scenario. That's how virile I was feeling right then.

The lovely lady of Emmett's impending battle royale inched towards me. "Edward, huh. Emmett never talks to any of the customers. What could you of done to make him know your name?"

"I guess I was his brand of lame."

Emmett barked out a laugh and Rosalie smacked him over the bar. "This kid here just gave me one hell of a show. Him and that girl out there. The one grinding up on that Newton shit right now." Grinding. No. I swiveled in my seat and saw red. Some sleaze looking bastard had his oily palms on Bella's hips. But she didn't act like she minded. "She minds man. But someone is sitting over here nursing his own pity." If I had the power in my grip a guy like Emmett had, there would have been beer bottle glass shards embedded in my skin.

Emmett was right. I stayed nice and tight on my little stool while Bella went out there and did what she did. And what she does when she dances. It hurt my heart. I watched her move her hips lazily while she drug her hand up her neck. Through her hair. Her eyes were half closed. Feeling the music push her. Imaging she was someplace where her movements ruled. The t-shirt of mine she still wore was no longer as large, it was fitted somehow, letting her breasts push against the fabric as she arched when the music told her to. I guess she had done one of those girl tying tricks to get the look. I was going to pull the knot out, make it hang off her, away from the contours of her body.

The guy was pressed up against her. Moving this way and that as she did. His head was angled down, intent on her face, on her neck. I wanted to twist his head backwards. Hear the bones snap as I did the deed. Watch his flat brown eyes roll into the back of his head. Watch the line of his lips hang open. Watch his greasy hair flakes fall to the ground as the support from his neck gave away.

Bella had let her head angle upwards in her half lidded oblivion, her face now inches from this fucker. I saw him take his hand and put it on the skin of her neck. She arched even further into him. He trailed his palm to her chin, cupping it. He leaned in to her lips. I stood up. Slammed my beer down, loudly. She opened her eyes. She jerked her head back at the recognition of her position. At the recognition of this stranger. She took back control of her actions, turned around. Smiled at him and kept on dancing. He thought her coy. I was sure of it. But he kept on with her and I sat back down.

"You know, this is not a situation where brute force will get you what you want." I looked over to see lovely gorgeous Emmett's blonde leaning with her back up against the bar. Her elbows were propped up. She looked like a portrait. Not one of those you could buy at the mall, one that you'd only find in an art gallery in the bowels of SoHo. Her painting would hang right next to Bella's, waiting for the perfect collector. "You've got to enter the game like a real player, not a dabbler or an unrefined foe. What you are right now, dabbler. What you will be if you try to go all Hulk without setting the playing field first, unrefined foe. You have to treat this situation with delicacy. Make the rules, don't follow them. Then mark your territory."

"I'm not very crafty."

"I didn't peg you for the Chuck Bass type. Thankfully, I am a Blair Waldorf kind of girl, except I like to help the Dan Humphreys of the world.."

Great. I was getting advice from a Gossip Girl enthusiast. This should go over really well. But I had no other ideas, other than committing small town murder at this point, so who was I to knock anything? "What do you suggest?"

She looked behind her to Emmett and pursed her lips for a kiss. He complied, his whole body softening. Then he turned to me after lingering on her face for a moment. I was pretty sure his muscles never looked more firm. "You remember who Rosalie goes home with boy. And don't get too frisky with those hands. I don't mind the sound of bones being shattered. Just so you know."

Uh, okay. I could've peed if I hadn't been potty trained well.

"Don't listen to him. I got you. Now lets go work my magic." She took me by the hand. Her skin was cashmere in my grasp. It had to be Emmett's favorite thing about her.

Rosalie led me out to the dance floor and started to move, dropping her hold. She was announcing her presence. People stopped and watched her. How could they not? She brought her torso and shoulders back and forth. Her hips going the opposite way. She let out what had to be one of the most radiant smiles Earth had on it and reached out a hand to me. I met her halfway and my still body fell into her lead. She winked at me and moved closer. Close enough so that her scent made it to my nose. Roses, how appropriate. The stale beer and cigarette smoke aroma the bar was drenched with was not enough to taint her.

I started to feel the purpose of this. A purpose to make my movements count. A purpose to get warm and to answer the challenge before me. It wasn't for Bella. It wasn't for revenge. I wasn't being vindictive. I just wanted to let this woman lead me into a place where I was just myself. Where I could let it all go. Where Bella could see me and I would let her.

So I danced.

I pulled Rosalie to me and let her body mold to mine. And I looked at her like a man should look at a beautiful woman. It felt good to be there. To give that look to someone. Even if it wasn't Bella. I stepped back and twirled Rosalie and watched as her golden hair fanned out about her. She let out a laugh that was full of promise and hope. A laugh that told me regardless of her motivations, she liked having me twirl her. I could make someone laugh like that. I could make Bella laugh like that. She could be Bella right now. But she wasn't and for just this song, I was okay with that. Because it meant that I could do this. Be this. Be me and someone would see it.

I had the grin of the fools on my face as I finally looked Bella's way. She was looking at me with a small upturn of her mouth. She wasn't jealous. She wasn't angered. But she was sad. She thought this was the moment where I realized I could be without her. And it was. I just hadn't made the choice to do so yet. It felt good to have the choice. Even better to know that it was finally on my terms. The only bittersweet part of it was she didn't get that there would always be only the one choice I would make. Her. But that was my fault. I saw that now.

We continued to dance until the song switched to a slow melody. I didn't want to overstep my bounds and released Rosalie, not assuming that she would want to continue. But she did. She wrapped her arms around my neck and whispered into my ear. "Now that, padawan, is how you own yourself."

"I can try."

"You'll succeed."

"Thank You." And I was truly grateful. Funny how one three minute interval can give perspective and revelation. Sometimes it was just a short span of time and a night of it staring at you for those three minutes to make their impact.

I went back to enjoying a dance with a beautiful lady when I noticed Bella. Her face was contorted. She was uncomfortable. And there was fear. I became rigid and Rosalie disengaged herself from me. The Newton guy's hands were gripping the skin at Bella's hips, digging into the flesh of her ass. He was grinding his pelvis into her. His face was pushed into her neck and hair, not nuzzling, pushing. Bella's hands were at his shoulders, fighting. I saw his head turn in the crook of her neck and his mouth was exposed. His tongue came out. Saliva glistened in the dim hazy light. He. Licked. Her.

Fuck. You. No.

I walked over to Bella and with a strength I had never possessed, tore the guy off of her. I yanked her wrist to me roughly, surely adding to her bruises. I didn't care. I would cause harm as long as she was safe. Putting myself between her and him, I braced myself for a fight.

"And who the fuck are you kid? You're going to wish you were dead." The guy was a fake kind of livid. Not cause I got between him and a love. Because I got between him and an object. He could give a shit about my Bella, as most of the men around her don't. He was pissed at my audacity. At the bruise that was already purpling on his ego. Asshole.

I couldn't trust my voice. What I could trust was my face and my body. My muscles were on fire, begging for him to test their strength. I took two steps forward and pointed my finger at him. He backed the fuck up. I don't know if it was because I had grown in the last minute. I don't know if it was the icy determination to kill him in my glare. I don't know if it was Emmett cracking his knuckles behind us. I did know that he pussed out.

Then there was a hand on mine. It was warm and smooth. Then there was another hand on my arm and that one felt like cashmere. And I stopped. I turned to look and saw Emmett and Rose staring at me, approval written all over their faces. And then I saw Bella.

She didn't look hurt. She didn't look satisfied. She looked apologetic and contrite. She looked bold and soft. She looked kissable and want. She smiled at me. It was full and blinding. There was not a calming thing to it. I know she meant it that way, but it just wasn't. It was a fire. A burning to add to the heat I already felt. Then the smell of her sweat and her strawberries hit me. And I was done.

I grabbed Bella's hand without finesse, only stopping to say Thank You to the hard bartender and his love, before I dragged our asses out of that bar.

It wasn't going to taint Bella anymore. Nothing would.

_**I'll take you home if you don't leave me at the front door (leave me at the front door)**_

_**Your body's cold, but girl we're getting so warm**_

_**And I was thinking of ways that I could get inside (get inside)**_

_**Tonight you're falling in love (let me go now)**_

_**This feeling's stirring me up (here we go now)**_

_**Now if she does it like this, will you do it like that**_

_**Now if she touches like this, will you touch her right back**_

_**Now if she moves like this, will you move it like that (come on)**_

**Shake It by Metro Station**


	7. I am MAN, Hear Me Roar!

**To new and old friends alike...every once in awhile we smile and reflect on the road we've walked. Thank you all for being there.**

**One down three chaps to go....and hint, shhhh, tell no one. Only one more character to show us the way left.**

**Not mine, but this trifle is.**

Chapter 7 ~ I Am MAN, Hear Me Roar!

I hauled Bella behind me, paying no mind to the way she stumbled. The bottom of her newly purchased shoes scraped on the dirt with a grating sound. She didn't say anything, but the occasional grunt fell out. My death grip on her wrist was still unforgiving. She either didn't register it or just kept her mouth shut, for once.

My breathing was ragged and as the cool air of the northwestern night infiltrated me, I felt no relief. The salty sheen of sweat on my skin caused a chill that gave me goosebumps. The sensation was welcome. It contrasted against the blood that was boiling hot inside. It took away from logical thinking. It made me push and pull and keep going. It made me stop at my car to get something to keep us warm.

I retrieved an old red and black plaid blanket my mom stashed in my things. To remember home by, she said. Bella and I had used this blanket before. Many times. We snuggled under it watching the horror cult slash films she loved so much. I had to admit, Night of the Living Dead was one of my personal favorites, only because she tended to fall asleep during that one and nuzzled into my neck for comfort and warmth. I hated washing it after those nights. The action wiped her smell away, replacing it with detergent. She wasn't clean like that.

With my old trustworthy crutch tucked neatly under one arm and Bella's wrist still secure in my hand, I pulled us into the trees beyond the bar. The danger of this escaped me. My normal 'stop, think' repertoire I reserved for Bella was not functioning. I was working off baser impulses. One's that have been suppressed for eighteen years. They were over being shoved into that small closet in myself and sufficiently ignored. I had just one drive I was focusing on. The adrenaline of my machismo in full gear. The words "I Am MAN, Hear Me Roar!" barely being contained.

I pushed us passed the brush and errant branches hoping to find somewhere to stop. After five minutes of walking, Bella found the inevitable tree root to trip over and went down. I almost dragged her up and pressed on, but when I saw her face, I just couldn't. Her eyes swam with tears and the confusion of this night had finally taken it's toll. I had never seen her look more like the Bella I had grown up next to than at this moment.

"I-I'm sorry. I'll get up." She tried to stand, but there was too much pain from the twisted leg. There was a scrape on her knee that didn't bleed profusely, but threatened it. I knelt down and wished for some antiseptic, neosporin and a band-aid. If I had that, I could patch her up. But I didn't and there was dirt in her wound. What I had, was a blanket. I used it's edge to wipe away the earth sticking to her raw skin. She winced and I quit my half assed nursing.

"Don't apologize. It's my fault. If I had-"

"Edward, please. Just stop." Bella looked at me imploringly. I stopped. I took the blanket and laid it out in the bare dirt and eased her back onto it in a sitting position. I leaned down next to her and perused the damage I had caused.

"Can you bend it?"

"I think so." She lifted her knee, effectively pulling her leg up, but wincing as she did so. "Give me a bit. It's just sore." I nodded and sat next to her, fighting the urge to apologize again.

Bella and I remained silent for awhile as we reveled in our own inner musings. It was a lovely evening and the stars were readily available on this rare clear night. They twinkled down on us and had conversations amongst themselves. I pictured them staring at me and shaking their heads. Laughing at me for being young and silly in my own selfishness that I never knew was there. They told me that one day when I was older, things would be different and I'd look back and find myself ludicrous. I didn't believe them.

I believed in my frustration and anger. I believed in the things I had assumed of Bella for years. I believed that we were truly alone for the first time in a long time. And I really believed that it was mild enough out so that when I took off her clothes, she wouldn't be too cold.

"Edward." I turned my head to face Bella. "Have you ever wondered what it would be like between us?" Yes. But I didn't say it. "Like, I always thought one day, when we were older and wanted the same things. You know."

Wanted the same things? I saw what she meant. She wanted me to sit by with the burning I had for her and the life I couldn't extricate from my mind while she went on to find whatever she was searching for. The hell if I was going to let her set the timeline I was going to live by. Fuck her if she thought I was made up of infinite patience and understanding.

"What I know is that I wait and I think I'm going to do this." I turned my torso to face hers. One hand went to her thigh and the other went under her chin. I pulled her face to mine and went back to that first time. I kissed her and felt her stiffen. I didn't care. I pushed harder, forcing her to yield. She softened and I let my tongue trace the peak of her upper lip. Her mouth parted, but she didn't move to hold me. I had always held us both up and I would do it now. My tongue found it's way to hers. I had initiated the challenge and she would either answer me or not, but I wasn't going to stop. She met me and for now, I wasn't late.

This wasn't an alien experience this time around. I had kissed another girl like this, but never with such want. I had laid another girl on her back and hovered over as my hands roamed and found skin. I had thought with a small amount of sadness that the girls of my past weren't Bella. I had never wondered if they had been that girl with another boy just yesterday.

I focused on the now and where I was. I pulled myself up and in between Bella's legs. I let my pelvis lay against hers, pressing so she knew. I felt her wince when my leg pushed against her injured one. It made no difference to me. I didn't stop kissing her. I couldn't. I just wanted to be here with Bella and her smell and her little moans. I thought again how long it had been since she had made that noise for another. The now was not immune to the anger of then.

My mouth on Bella's became rougher. It bruised her and she paused for a moment sensing the change in my demeanor. Then again, she took it and let me poor all of my bullshit into her. She let me pull out the knot holding her shirt and yank it over her head, before I pulled off my own. She let me crush back down on her mouth while the inhale of air through my nostrils was loud and ragged. My hands found her breasts and I pulled her bra down. I cupped her in my hand completely and squeezed. She arched and I left her mouth to find the dusky pink at it's apex. I sucked and nipped. I didn't tease and it wasn't gentle. I pulled and made her cringe. I almost stopped, but she let that sigh escape and I continued. She didn't put her hands to me still.

My hands moved lower and unbuttoned her shorts. I took care to pull them down, because I wanted to feel the flesh of her legs more than concern for the pain I could cause. Then I sat back on my heels, my knees digging into the ground through the blanket. I stared at her like this. Her knees bent, a glistening from the place where her legs met her body, abdomen flat and soft, bra askew and her chest rising up and down, eyes sharp and hooded lids, all of that chestnut hair fanning out behind her, neck exposed by her chin raised in defiance. Like I would find anything to complain about. She was the embodiment of that young perfect girl before womanhood filled out her hips and mind. Innocence in a body that had seen more than that.

I moved to undo my own pants and as I did so, Bella sat up. Still kneeling in between her legs, I stared down at her face. It was inches from my chest. She took her bra off while looking up at me. She remained silent as she finally touched me. She splayed her hands on my chest and let them trail up and down. I closed my eyes and felt the sensation take me in. I felt her lay small gossamer winged kisses on me. I felt her tongue leave it's line as she tasted me. I felt myself shudder as her forearm grazed my dick. I felt her push me back and come upon me.

As Bella straddled my hips, I grabbed her waist. We held each others' gaze for a moment. I saw understanding and acceptance. I saw devotion and need. I saw love, but it wasn't what was reflected in my eyes. I pulled her down. I held her in place on top of me. In her, but not really. She gave me this. I saw it in her eyes. This gift to me, to ease the place I lived with her. I would take it and be grateful for now, because this was the closest I had ever been to where I always wanted to be. But not quite.

All I could do was guide her up and down, meet her when we came back together. I put myself into every arch and push and pull. I let my feelings for her rule my movement and hoped that she felt that although I was in her now, she had always been in me. I felt my dick harden and grow. The life we had flashing in snippets. Strawberry patches, cold sea foam, a pink bikini, kisses, Blue Moon, diet coke, a plaid blanket, tears, that brilliant smile, muddy eyes and bruises. I saw it all as the only thing I had ever known. And as I pulled her off of me right before I spilled myself, I thought that I wouldn't take the risk. I wouldn't risk letting myself flow into her on the off chance it would be that one time I could tie her to me by a mistake. I wouldn't let this gift to me be life long. I would let her make the choice to let me in, and if it had to wait until we were older, then I would always wish we were.

_I know you're scared _

_But don't leave this place_

_Just turn around and let me see your face_

_And now you're crying_

_And you hold me _

_And you whisper in my ear_

_Whoa-e, oh-we, oh oh (x3)_

_I wish we were older (chorus x2)_

_Tonight we'll touch_

_And they won't know_

_I know you're dying_

_To take off your clothes_

_Just trust in me_

_I'll never run away_

_You kiss my lips_

_And you taste my pain_

_And while I'm pushing it, I'm moving_

_Somehow you manage to say..._

_Whoa-e, oh-we, oh oh (x3)_

_I wish we were older (chorus x2)_

**Wish We Were Older by Metro Station**


	8. The Myths We Believe In

**Because I couldn't find Bella in this, thank you Jess-the owning is mutual. Kristen your banner skillz are divine...THANK YOU.**

**And to the chakrajehosephat...you is evil genius. BOOK CLUB MEETING OF BRILLIANCY-you ladies, amy, ava and tammy make my Saturdays. **

**I really am lucky to have such friends, people. You have no idea.**

**I only have two chaps left now and the last is already complete, the next almost. I think I might cry. I have loved doing this so much and well....I'll save the sobs for later.**

**Ok-what I need you guys to do. **

**First, I have a new contest entry, Priorities (a funny light one-shot), at twilighted[dot]net and the link is on my profile...also, my first contest entry, This I Can Do For You (trademark angsty short story), link is there too. They are both original work and I'd love to have you all take a gander at them if you already haven't.**

**Secondly, since this is almost done, and if I'm already not, please alert me as fav author so that when I post the new fic I have planned, you will be the first to know....I also have another story that is still in progress called Disaffected. But my new fic is plotted and once this is complete, I will begin actually fleshing it out and posting. So like I said...author alert. Thank You ALL for your continued support!**

**Twilighted Beta....vjgm, please don't let me post the last two, I don't think I can handle it.**

**Chapter 8 ~ The Myths We Believe In**

It could have been hours or minutes later and I was still in a physical position that was new, but the real position I was in seemed so similar to every other day I was with Bella. I wasn't stupid enough to think that what we had just done made any difference in the story of us. But my perspective had changed. In my disappointment, I contemplated pretending that it meant nothing, but I didn't have the stones to do it. Not even for self preservation. I was more concerned with the preservation of the truth I felt was still viable. Never mind that I already knew I had been feeding the lies I clung to.

Lying flat on my back, with Bella's naked body in the crook of my arm, I stared up at the sky. It was grey-black now. There were clouds and the stars I had a conversation with earlier disappeared. It was much darker than when I started this journey. The moon in it's ability to outshine most things shadowed it's light through the threatening clouds, allowing for outlines of blue and grey. I turned my gaze downward. Bella was luminescent still.

She had snuggled her face so close to my skin that I could feel the flutter of her eyelashes against me. Her breathing was so even and her body so still, that only that soft brush of mink was the only indication of her being awake. I pulled her to me as tight as I could, knowing this was not permanent. It was possible that I only had minutes left to pretend.

I pretended that this was not uncommon for us. I imagined having these moments of peace between us in random places as the truly young and in love do. I imagined Bella being the one to lead us to a spot like this after a fight, after dinner, after nothing and for nothing. Just for the reason to have me near her without anything else to surround us. I imagined her cocooning us in from everything else that never really mattered. I imagined me staring at her for hours and occasionally letting the words I had wanted to say for so long come out, so she would understand. I imagined doing the right thing and letting her go, because as I laid on a blanket of my youth, I saw that my hold on her was stronger than hers had ever been on me.

My hold was much crueler. Mine was cold and quiet. Mine was watchful and condemning. I saw this. I knew it the moment I pulled her off of me and didn't answer the questioning look in her eye. I didn't explain. As always. I never answered any of her questions and I never asked her mine. And I wouldn't let go of her long enough so that she could find her own answers. I was a stifling presence in her world. I never understood her and in my arrogance I swore that I always had. The only thing I had for her now was the truth, or just my concept of it. The fact that it would hurt her was no longer of consequence. I had already hurt us both from the years of my assumptions and selfishness.

"Bella."

"Mmmmh, yes?" Bella answered me like she was content, but the denial I had coddled was still so strong.

"I wanted to leave you at the diner tonight."

Bella used her elbows to push herself up so she could look me in the eye. She did that. Faced me head on. She did it when I couldn't. "Why are you telling me this now?"

"It's the only thing I've got." That was the truth from me for once. "Maybe so that you'd be disgusted with me and leave. That would confirm my suspicions right. Maybe to hurt you because I feel like everything you do hurts me. Maybe it's a different sort of selfishness. The type that lets me become absolved while you bear the burden of what I've let loose. I don't know."

"Why do you do this Edward?" I could see the pain being masked by her confrontational nature.

"Do what?"

"You damn well know what. That 'poor me' schtick. Like I'm the basis for your whole sad existence." Bella wasn't angry, but she wasn't backing down.

"I don't do that. I was just trying to be honest with you."

"No, you're not. If you were honest, these would not be your words."

I was starting to feel defensive against this attack that I knew wasn't really meant to be so. But I was a victim of my own destruction. "What do you expect from me?"

And that's when Bella let her head turn from me, breaking our intensity and exasperated, she stood up. She raked her hand through her hair as I had done so many times before and put on her clothes. She looked like a robot and I would have given my soul to the devil to know what she was thinking as she stared at her shirt before putting it on. It was in that pause that I saw her, really _saw _her. I saw her give up on me. I saw her admit defeat silently and the panic inside me welled.

It wasn't suppose to be this way. I was the one who was suppose to give up. I was the one who walked away. Not her. But here we were, me lagging behind. As always.

"What are you doing, Bella?" I couldn't keep the desperation from my voice, realizing that all this time I had the power of where and how we stood and not knowing it until now.

"I'm getting dressed and going back to the car. You are going to follow me. We are going to drive to California and we are going to start our lives." Her tone held no promise and no hope. The only thing Bella left unspoken was the separate nature our lives would take after this.

I had failed us both. I wasn't honest and I was blind. She did her thing throughout the years because she had to. She filled up her time like I did, waiting on me to see her and love _her_. What I loved was someone who didn't exist. The Bella who used me and spit me out was a myth. The Bella who waited on me and tried to live under my scrutiny was who stood before me. The girl who wanted the love of one and only felt the want of others. Her methods may have been selfish, but at least they were honest.

"Please don't go." I begged of my Bella.

And that was the problem. My Bella wasn't here with me. This girl was just Bella and she was sick of me confusing her with someone else. "And where is it you would like me to stay, Edward? Here, with you. I would love to if that's what you really wanted, but it's not. I'm not who you make me out to be. I never have been." She was fully clothed now and I was trying to catch up, but my shirt was still in my hands. "I've been in love with you since I can remember. I have been wishing for you to tell me the things I wanted to hear. I have lived my life, because I didn't want to wait. And call that selfish or cruel, but it's a part of who I am and I wouldn't change my desire for love with a constant wish for you. I though that maybe today you would really be here. Finally tell me the truth. But you didn't. I gave you what I've got and still you look at me like that. You've never gotten me and maybe that's just as well. Because I'm done."

Bella turned and I was finally dressed, but she was already walking away. And I stood there watching her back get further and further away from me. I ran then, making the decision that was most assuredly wrong, but necessary. I caught up to Bella and grabbed her shoulders. I made her face me and I made myself look at her.

"We are _not_ done. You are full of shit. You call what you do living? You call letting idiots suck you dry and sycophants sing your praises living? You think that you've been waiting? I may have not always been forthright in my honesty to you and my lies to myself may have cause more harm to us than I can ever hope to repair, but don't use me as your excuse for your actions."

"At least they made me feel wanted."

"Only on the off chance you would spread your legs." And right then, I went to where I couldn't go back. I drew the line and with one swipe of her palm across my face, I knew the depths desperation could lead a person to.

I dropped my arms from her, freeing her from me. Asking her to leave me alone in my shame. But she didn't. She stared at me for awhile and I waited for her to lash out and leave me there. She never did.

Instead, Bella accepted what I said and the truth of it. She took my hand in the one she had just slapped me with and told me what I always wanted to hear and what I never wanted to face. "Thank you Edward. Thank you for being with me all these years. Thank you for spending this night with me. Thank you for letting me love you in the way I can and for loving me back in the way you could. We have never been perfect and probably never will, but that's okay. One of these days, we might get it right, but until then, we are what we are. I am selfish and searching. You are judgmental and lack trust. It's why we have always worked and why we never will. I love you and even as I say it, I can still see you don't believe me. I can still see your unwillingness to let me in. But most importantly, I can see that you're right."

And because I couldn't say anything, knowing this was the moment we were no longer the Bella and Edward I thought we were, I let her silently lead me back to the car so I could drive us to new lives where we would walk our own paths. It was a moment I had imagined in it's peace and silence. It was not in the context of ease or contentment, but for once, we had a peace between us and it was painfully real, not pretend.

_She's just a friend, you see_

_You always agree_

_You know I lie, but you still trust me_

_And you believed in so much hope_

_But I'm the one who let you go_

_Now that we're done, I'm so sorry_

_Why did I lie, I'm so sorry_

_I know I hurt you_

_I know I hurt you_

**Now That We're Done by Metro Station**


	9. Tea and Truth

**Second to the last people. And it might leave you saying I hate smellyia. But I'm cool with that...because I know what's in 10 – the ending.**

**This is only completed by a conversation I had with tnuccio. THANK YOU.**

**The ninjacat marve read this bitch for me, so if you are truly upset, please stalk her.**

**For my new readers and old....thank you for joining me in this ride. I don't care if you review and I don't care if you post. I care that you have read and continue to follow me on whatever journeys I take us. But for those who have left responses and let me know how I have made you hurt or laugh or loved...you speak poetry to me that I don't deserve and I am humbled. This story has had the most validating and amazing reviews that I couldn't leave fandom because of them. More than thank you is in order here, but I will give you true fangirl thanks in the last. **

**Twilighted beta...vjgm, you is wise and all knowing.**

**Chapter 9 ~ Tea and Truth**

It was morning by the time we made it to California. It was cool and crisp and full of sunshine. It was painfully bright and optimistic. Our car was foggy with acceptance and pain. The silence that I had grown used to was choking me. The smell of her shampoo gave me memories I didn't deserve. It clawed at the air in the car. It broke my heart over and over. It festered until only the wind outside could give me relief. I rolled down the windows to feel the ocean breeze on the coast of this golden place and tasted it's bitter salty air.

Bella looked off into the horizon, she hadn't looked my way since we got into the car. I couldn't make her, so I just drove. I drove until I found a beach with a coffee shop across the street. I parked the car and sat there waiting to see if she would get out. Bella didn't at first, but she finally turned her face to mine. Her eyes were filled with tears and mine had already overflowed. We sat there and cried, until I nodded and got out. She followed me, but not that far. She walked to the beach and I didn't know if she would come back. I didn't know if I would be here if she did.

I made my way to the coffee shop across the way, not because I felt the need for caffeine, but because I needed somewhere to go. Bella had claimed the sand and ocean, as she was apt to do, and I was left with the only alternative. It was called MAC Coffee, and while I thought it clever, I wondered if Apple sued them over it. As I looked around and saw the trademark dilapidated beachside haunt that the coast was known for, I figured, that such an establishment didn't warrant the attention of such a large corporation.

There weren't many customers and the liveliest bunch seemed to be in the corner. Three older gentlemen and two ladies. One, on the right, seemed jovial and content to hold the hand of his lady next to him. The one on the left looked dour and his woman was buttering a scone for him. The one that caught my attention sat at the head of the table. He noticed me and nodded, getting up to meet me at the cash register.

His hair was black and he was tall, but graceful in his old age. His skin hung in wrinkles around his mouth and eyes. And when I looked full on into his gaze, I was mesmerized by their flatness. A sheen of nothing. Blank. I had never seen such depth in a pool that was so shallow. I was so lost in my own musings and the shock of what had transpired last night, I didn't order a coffee. I asked him a question.

"What happened to you?" It was an insolent question and I was raised better than this, but somehow, right now, I had to know.

The man in front of me blanched in surprised at my audacity. I didn't wait for his admonition, I just turned and walked away. I wanted nothing to do with being told I was an overbearing asshole just then. I already knew this, the realization, just coming to me hours previous.

I walked out the door and sat myself down at one of the bistro tables littering their front porch. It was even brighter out in the midmorning sun and I could hear the waves crash in the distance. They weren't soothing. They were a reminder that I had reached my destination, just not the one I initially intended and not the one I ever desired.

I was entirely intent upon initiating my epic wallow when the old man exited the coffee shop and sat down opposite me with two mugs. Steaming hot tea. I really could not handle tea, of all things right now. Not to mention, it smelled bizarre. I assumed he came out here to give me a much deserved what for, and found exotic tea the best way to debase my already emasculated self.

"I don't drink tea."

"You don't have to drink tea to drink this." He waved a liver spotted hand in the direction of the mug he placed before me.

I reached forward and cupped the mug with both hands. It wasn't cold out by any means, but the warmth radiating from the steamy liquid and through the ceramic made me realize I was cold. I raised it to my nose and sniffed. It smelled like a blend of spice and hippie. It smelled old. It smelled like I would only drink this during one of my mother's homeopathic moments at the height of a bronchial infection or when I was just down and out. I took a sip to pacify the old man and found that the blend was bitter, but calming. But it was missing something. I didn't know what. I looked at the man over my cup and waited for him to speak.

"How do you like your tea?" He wasn't looking at me, but leaning back in the chair, hands folded in his spread eagle lap and looking out toward the beach.

"I like it okay. It's quite good actually." And it was, just not the thing I would order.

"Good? There's nothing else you notice about it?"

"Um, I don't know. I'm not a connoisseur." He finally looked at me and again I was assaulted with the blankness of his gaze. It held no twinkle, no insight, no pain, no warmth. Just nothing. The deepest nothing I had ever seen.

"It's a decent blend, one I concocted years ago. It's not sold here and sometimes I serve it when someone looks like they need it."

I knew I looked haggard and travel worn. My own eyes were probably bloodshot and dry, but that wasn't from the all-nighter I just pulled. "I look that bad, huh?"

"Your loss is evident." His gaze left mine and he returned to staring off into the blue.

"How do you know I lost something?" I didn't realize I had finished the tea and the cup was now cold. I set it down onto the table in front of me.

"I see the truth of it in your face, the way you hunch your shoulders and how you recognized someone kindred." I straightened myself up in the chair. "Truth is a very difficult thing to hide."

I almost snorted at that. If that was the case, Bella and I would have had it all out years ago. "I don't believe that."

"What is it you believe in then?"

It was an excellent question and I had no idea how to answer it. "I don't know, but it's not that."

"Let me tell you something about truth. It's a bit of an illusion. There are facts and logic and beliefs. There are fallacies and hidden meanings. There are people who can argue their truth and sway you from your own convictions. What you know to be true in one context can all of a sudden be twisted and bastardized when put into another." I didn't know where he was going with this, but I refused to interrupt. I needed to know this. I had so many lies I needed explained. "Truth is subjective and your truth, is not mine. I _know _that I have clung to lies in my past and I _know _that is why my two brothers inside have their women next to them while I have no one."

I understood why he was this way and had that look. "So, you lost her, a woman."

"I did. And it was because I only saw my truth which was her lie. Funny, how things seem so clean when it's just your perspective."

What this stranger saw in me was a reflection of himself. What I saw in him was a promise of my future. I knew I could heal from Bella. Maybe not whole and maybe a little fractured, but I would be able to limp through and be with someone else. It wouldn't be the same, because, well the one truth I knew that applied to Bella and I both, was that we only had one of each other. It was irreplaceable.

"Did you ever see her side?"

"Look at me now. Do you think I arrived at this place by believing my own lies?" I nodded no and before I could speak again, we were interrupted by the jovial brother peeking his head out of the shop.

"Marcus, we need you. Poker waits for no man."

"A moment Aro. I'll be there." Marcus turned back to me. "Know that I go back in here to be a half of a whole because I have nowhere else to go. Believe in her lies son, because for her, they are the truth." Marcus stood up to leave and as he opened the door to go be the eternal third wheel, he had an afterthought. "I never told you what the tea was missing. An aftertaste. It's as empty as that one swallow. No lingering reminder. She was the only one who could ever make it linger, but she never told me her secret." And without waiting for me to say bye or thank you or later dude, he walked in, because really, he doesn't care. He's too empty to.

And I could be too. Years down the road, I could be broken and the lone body amongst the pairs. I could be the one who was blank and felt for nothing except tea that missed something. I would always miss something, but I didn't have to be like Marcus. I could let my truth become the lie and admit it. I could swallow that.

I stood up and walked to the beach. I went over the soft sand and let my shoes fall off, leaving them where they fell. I let the sun warm me and I let myself walk the path I saw Bella take. It took me minutes to spot her, sitting with her knees pulled up and facing the ocean. The sea foam came up to her feet and flowed over them. She looked down and I hoped she remembered us all those years ago.

I watched as the sun move on her hair, letting the red do a shining dance amongst the brown. I imagined her eyes alight with life and freedom, no longer carrying the weight of what I didn't understand. I wouldn't be able to call them dirt-after-rain anymore. I imagined her skin darkening and acclimating as she made this place her home. I imagined letting her be her. I didn't know how to actually do it, but it was a lovely thought.

I imagined letting my truths be lies.

I imagined letting her lies be truths.

I didn't imagine the moment I was in.

It was the moment I stopped watching Bella.

_She turned me on, but now I'm shaking_

_She shoots it in, and I keep taking_

_But they don't see, she down with me_

_Tonight_

_She's such a rush, she's such a crush_

_She's one in a million_

_She's such a rush, can't get enough_

_She's pumping through y veins_

_She's too fun to be so gone with me_

_She's too good to be true to me._

**True To Me by Metro Station**


	10. The Man Next To Me Now

**So because this is the end...I think I can get away with this epic ass AN.**

**Thanks is needed to so many....siDEADde, Avalonia & tnuccio (not to mention mini nooch-Heaven's Immortal you are an amazing girl)-besides being my book club and cheerleaders, you guys are talent I am honored to be associated with. Wtvoc & jandco...you two OWN me, especially since the emo invaded Target. Emibella & marve...to new friends and whiskey and cigs and the down pillow stocked batcave-you are welcome at all hours in all states of inebriation. Jfly..you are brilliant friend. Gustariana...you are beyond lovely. Devadasi...get in the box. Blondie...sweetest lady ever. Starshinedown...i need mammy-in-law. Angel & bethaboo...you two..hot mess of awesome. Le jen...i still haven't got the card but my faith reigns supreme in snail mail. Badger-welcome back. And finally...vjgm...what can I say....nobody can validate me like you do...do not abandon me in the future! So now that I have exposed my gchat box for God and Country to see.....and even tho you ain't in mah box yet...Capricorn75, PurdueLiz...THANK YOU.**

**To the readers and reviewers (the ones who have been with me since the hot fluffy mess of Congratulations to the angst wallowed Disaffected AND the ones who have just found me and decided they liked how I roll ;)....I can't tell you how much your loyalty and continued support means to this Resident Non-Lame Emo. I try my best to not waste your time. I try my best to be real and spread a bit of my truth. I try my best not to be trite and wasteful. I try....and to me, that's what counts. So for those of you who tolerated me while I posted this snippet of my memories, THANK YOU. I do not deserve the lovely things you say and I still can't believe I evoke such thoughtful responses, much less tears or resonance. I initially attempted to list you all individually, but there were so many that I'm scared I'd miss someone then you'd harbor ill will...and being that I may invite that after you read the following, I didn't want to push my luck. Just know this...I was planning to leave fandom after this and Dis was done. I wanted to go out right and move on. But I can't and therefore, while I may cut back and not have 879865464764 stories to keep up with, I will still be here. It's you I have to thank for that. I bow down before my encore. Now y'all know where to find me if ya want more of my dribble...**

**So much of this...conversations and little moments are true. So much of this is embellished. So much of this is from someone else. Thank You for the time I was given. Thank YOU out there for this experience and these conversations and these things that have made me ME. Thanks for finally seeing me and while you didn't want to let go, I left and you've let me stay away. Thank You for being a part of my purge. I have tears as I post this and hate that it's over, in real life as well as fandom.**

**And finally and most importantly...to the Man Next To Me Now, all of us should be so lucky to have a Rhett Butler accent to wake up to every morning, to have someone to make me whiskey laced tea when I'm dying of consumption contracted at Target, to have someone who actually reads and encourages my work, to someone who listens to me talk about interwebs friends, to have someone who lets me get a cleaning lady so I can dedicate my four days off a week to fic, to have someone who puts up the BEST Christmas lights on the block, to have someone who lets 250 pounds of dog sleep on/between/under us every night and to someone who stays and keeps no secrets. I am just that lucky. **

**Chapter 10 ~ The Man Next To Me Now**

I stood by him always, because there was no one else I wanted by my side.

He was everything little girls dreamed of. A knight in shining armor. A beacon in the dark. I always loved the way his auburn hair stayed mussed and when we sat at the base of the tree in his front yard, I never knew where the strands on his head ended and the bark began. I kept a piece of that bark on my dresser for years, to remind me of it's color when he wasn't around.

He rarely laughed and I had never seen a child so full of consternation and disapproval. I should have known then he was just a little man who looked like a boy constantly coming to my rescue. And while he spent his time worrying about me and everything else, I was always ahead.

I used to watch him attempt to play, always so quiet and awkward. He hated the swings and hated the slides. He hated the other kids who tried to talk to me and hated the rain. What he did love, was how I was fickle in my interests and how I constantly had something new to amuse him with.

I saw him grow taller and become lankier. His face never was marred by the tragedies of adolescence. His face was only marred by brooding emotions I could never grasp. His teeth remained perfect and his hair stayed uncontrollable, but unlike me, it suited him perfectly. His eyes held the mystery of the ocean and it was my favorite place to go with him. He never said no and when he swam, I could see his freedom from me. I should have known that it was only a matter of time until these small pleasures would be benign for us.

I remembered our eighth grade dance and how I was asked by a boy who saw that I wore a training bra through my shirt and was flattered by his attention. I said no, because back then I still thought he might come to my rescue and fight away the boys I never wanted. But he didn't and I was heartbroken.

So I continued to grow and stood by him when he would let me. He never spoke of our public persons and I never questioned the difference between us behind closed doors. But I always felt the oddity of it, how together we were one way and apart we were another. It never deterred me from becoming a girl who thought she was a woman.

I became immersed in myself and the unknown. I became blinded by the attentions of those who never really wanted me. I took advantage of the only one who was ever really there. I took advantage by calling him when the pain of growing up became too much and when the experiences of aging were too scary to face alone. I called him when I wanted that first kiss because I had always imagined it would be with him. I called him when I wanted that first drink because I trusted only him to be with me. And each time he let me go after one of our firsts, I hated him more.

I watched him let me go time and time again. I watched him let me pretend we were separate wholes together. I watched him hurt because of his unwillingness to let me go. And in all that time, being just a girl, I never knew what to do but keep him close and hope that one day, when we were older, he would see me.

So I held on and I moved on. I had friends and prom and dates. I had driving lessons and smokeout sessions and sex. And when these things didn't go well and I hurt from my disillusionment, I would climb his tree and go into the window he always left open for me. I would get into bed with him and let him absorb my pain. I would watch him take all of it and share none of his own. And I would resent him for not letting me in, but I could never turn away from this one constant I had in a teenage life overwrought with change.

I resented him for his selfishness at holding me arms length. I let that resentment turn into abuse of his giving. I knew it as I did it, but as I begged of him with my eyes, he stayed silent and we kept on as we were. The only thing that changed was how he looked at me. With loathing and love. I knew it back then and yet, I couldn't let him go.

I watched him date and make new friends, but not really. He went through the motions of experimentation, but never experienced it. But when it truly became concerning was when my attention was diverted to the dog. He sucked me in and took me from the boy who had always been my savior. I let him pervert the image of that boy and that time is when I broke the bond I had since childhood.

Why I went to him after Dad died, I'll never know. But that night, after I had lost the one person I never questioned, he was honest with me. It was a rare thing and I knew how to appreciate his words when he chose to give them. I listened and walked away. I changed then, but I wasn't able to see it. I put my life in Forks behind me and prepared to move on without the dog or the boy. The dog did not agree with me and I was not inclined to care. I let the dog hurt me and knew that it would never happen again. I left and walked and then as if it was always meant to be, the boy found me.

Although, he was no longer a boy. He was a man and I knew by getting into his car, I would make his journey hard, but I was selfish enough to do it anyways.

We drove that night and something happened on that ride. He was sick of me and I of him. He resented my choices and I hated his silence. He distrusted my motives and I detested his judgments. But he took care of me and I of him. We made love together and while my heart screamed one thing, his screamed another. It didn't matter. Our love had different qualities and our pasts had brought us to different presents. And just because we fought after and I physically hurt the one I claimed to love, we were still silent, neither of us speaking the truths we each deserved.

We finished our journey in silence, me off to one place and he to another. We made a decision that day and time went on.

I stopped watching the boy and he stopped watching me. I lived my life with less selfishness, no less boldly, but with more care. I went to school and took nothing that mattered, but I thought that one day I would know what I was meant to do and then I'd worry about it. Some days I painted and some days I waitressed. Some days I walked the beach and some days I had lunch with friends who liked _me_ as opposed to who I perceived I should be.

The man next to me in bed now was not judgmental and he spoke _to _me rather than stared. I no longer felt condemned by scrutiny or not good enough for another. We stayed up into the late hours of the night making love that didn't have the taint of mistaken ties, because if that ever did happen, it would be okay. We stayed at coffee shops until they closed talking about the things I had kept silent for years and the things I had learned new that day. We walked in silence and peace and led one another to places where we could pretend to be the only two on earth. On occasion, we fought and old insecurities made their way to the surface, but the past had shown me what selfishness and silence brought, so I refused to let them reign supreme.

For once, I felt like me and that in itself was worth the last eighteen years with a boy who only thought he got it.

For once I felt like my truth was finally someone else's.

I felt loved and special and wanted. I made sure the man next to me knew that everyday and in doing that, I could return his sentiments. And as I thought of where this life had taken me, I turned over to start my day off right. I put my arms around the man next to me and nuzzled his neck. I rubbed his arm with my hand. I gave him the room to turn around to face me. I let his eyes take me back to my pink bikini and I kissed him, morning breath and all.

"Edward."

"Bella."

"It seems to me that you've woken up early this morning."

"No, love, you're just late as usual."

So I fell into what we had been, what we were and the possibility of what we could become. We left our shit on a car ride, but that was okay because we didn't need it anymore.

~FIN

_So take one word you said_

_You put it in your bed_

_You rest your tiny head on your pillow_

_You wonder where you're going next_

_You got your head pushed to your chest_

_And now you're hoping that someone let's you in_

_Well I swear I'll let you in_

_You know I'll let you in_

_Oh Kelsey, you_

_So don't let anyone scare you_

_You know that I'll protect you_

_Always_

_Now through the thick and thin_

_Until the end_

_You better watch it_

_You know you don't cross it because_

_I'm always here for you_

_And I'll be here for you_

_I know (x3) _

_I know how it feels _

_Believe me, I've been there_

_I know (x3)_

_I know what it feels like_

_Tell me, Kelsey_

_And I swim the ocean for you_

_The ocean for you_

_Whoa-oh Kelsey_

_And I swim the ocean for you_

_The ocean for you_

_Whoa-oh Kelsey_

_For you darling_

_Now it's gonna get harder_

_And it's gonna burn brighter_

_And it's gonna feel tougher each and every day_

_So let me say, that I love you_

_You're all I've ever wanted to come_

_All I've ever dreamed of_

_And yes you did come_

_I want you so bad (so bad)_

_Can you feel it too (it too)_

_You know I'm so, I'm so in love with you_

_I want you so much_

_I need you so much_

_I need your, need your touch_

_And I swim the ocean for you_

_The ocean for you_

_Whoa-oh Kelsey_

_(x4)_

_And you never ever let me in _

_(let me in)_

_(x4)_


End file.
